JS “Tell me about your life”

William “I have been in England for three years now. I have a girlfriend, but I also have sex with men. I haven’t really had any relationships with a men, though I have had a few men that I’ve seen for few months or so. I’m HIV positive too. I don’t know how long I have had it before I found out last year, and I do not know whether I might have got it back home or here in England”

JS “Were you having sex with men back home, before you came to England?”

William “Yes, but not many times. It is all very secretive back home and nobody ever talks about it. I suppose in some ways one of the reasons I wanted to come away was because of that. Also, my mother and my sister kept asking about me settling down with a girl- especially as I got into my twenties. I had a few girlfriends, but it never seemed quite right.”

JS “What about the men you’ve met here?”

William “It has been strange in some ways. Sometimes the men I’ve met seem to have been after me just because I am black. Others seem to shy away because of that, or maybe it is just because they don’t fancy me! I don’t know it is hard to tell (laughs). I don’t really talk about HIV with them, and try hard to always use condoms. But you know some men ask for sex without them? I find that curious. Surely they must know about HIV and protecting themselves.

JS“ What about other African men?”

William “For sex? No, my God no. When I see other black men who I think might be African, when I go to gay clubs or places, we never look each other in the eye. They keep away from me, and I keep away from them. I would never talk with another African man in such places – but I have seen them.”

JS “And do other African men know that you have sex with other men?”

William “No, such things are never talked about. Its not considered a many thing to do, and I would be afraid that it might get back to my family back home, or to my girlfriend.

JS “So your girlfriend doesn’t know about you having sex with men? Does she know you are HIV positive?”

William “No she knows nothing about either. How could I tell her such things? Its not like it is for you white gay men. I don’t feel comfortable about it, but what can I do? I feel a bit trapped by the situation but do not know how I can change things.”

JS “And do you use condoms with her?”

William “Yes I always try. She has sometimes said ‘Why do we need these?’ and I make some excuse about not earning enough yet to risk children.”

Men like William, there is an extra layer. The expectations of other gay men might be to treat you as an exotic novelty, or something to be avoided. What strikes me most is how many secretes men have to keep in order to keep everyone happy. So what advice can I give on how to be a man in the 21^st Century ?

Well, Its easy for me to say as a white gay man who has many years of getting used to living with HIV to say ‘Stand up and be counted’, but of course its not that simple.

Secrecy breeds secrecy, and secrecy can also be deceit. It will take time and the actions of a few brave souls to make changes – bit by bit – to open doors.

By Jack Summerside

Please note that the name was changed for reasons that will be obvious

Home Page

More HIV/AIDS articles