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Dating your friends ex
22 July 2007- Zambia- PART ONE -Me: "Hi dawg sup" Him: "Im cool n
u?" Me: "Fit as a
fiddle. Hey remember Josh? My email buddy?" Him: "Oh yeah sup?" Me:
"He's coming into town for da weekend and we is gonna get bizzy. Now he
wants a threesome and I thought I could count on you, what you say?" Him:
"I don't know man, you know I was just experimenting and Im outta this
shit.
I aint gay." Me: "Come on dawg he wont bite. Just look at it as
adventure, Pleeeeese." Him: "Ok we'll see what happens, may be
I'll......"
This was the telephone conversation that was the beginning of the end of
what once upon a time was the greatest friendship of all. Charlie and I
had
been friends from college. We were both down low and only got to know
about
each other after a "nasty" introduction by some guy we had both confided
in.
The chemistry was instant and our friendship grew so strong that I
practically abandoned all other friends in preference of Charlie. He had
become not only my best friend but the only person I could discuss gay
ssues with and that made this friendship so special.
The day of the threesome came and we had what I thought was not such a
bad
time. After the ordeal nothing much was ever said about it. Several
months ater Josh was coming back into town and asked me if we could have a
repeat
performance. I asked Charlie if he was interested and he totally refused
and
said he didn't want to have anything to do with gay issues ever again
and
that the past had been a mistake. I respected his "new feelings" and
explained to Josh that it was not possible to do a threesome again.
Besides
Charlie had told me that if Josh insists, I should just give him the
impression that we were no longer friends and we don't even talk to each
other anymore.
When Josh arrived I went to see him at his hotel. For some reason I kind
of
didn't even enjoy sex with Josh that night. It was clear he wasn't fully
into it which was rather strange since he was the one that had really
been
pushing. Later on Josh was asking me a lot of questions about Charlie
which
I didn't want to answer as doing so would make me feel like I was
betraying
Charlie.
Josh said he was retiring to bed early and wasn't going anywhere that
evening so I left the hotel. Charlie and I were supposed to meet over
business that evening but at the last minute he cancelled. From Josh's
hotel
I went out to our favourite pub making one or two stops along the way
only to find Charlie and Josh having a drink.
I joined them at their table and the atmosphere was tense. Both were
full of
excuses behind each others back. Charlie told me he'd just come over for
a
drink when Josh popped up and though he was not interested, there was no
way
he could refuse to have a drink with him. Josh's excuse was that he'd
gotten
bored at the hotel hence decided to visit a couple of nite spots and it
so
happened by coincidence that they met at the first pub he visited.
Strange,
considering we had just been together only 20 minutes before and he had
said
he was too tired and was going to bed early. I reminded him of this and
he
said that actually he was really tired and was leaving right away.
Since Charlie was my best friend I didn't really want to believe he
could
have tried to betray me so I concluded that it was Josh who had wanted
to
double cross me. Charlie would never do that to me. Not what I know
about
him and his new stance against gay issues and how good a friend he was
to
me. It also didn't make sense that he would decline an invitation to
have
sex only to secretly try and get it behind my back. I concluded that
Josh
had just decided to try his luck despite my telling him that Charlie
wasn't
interested. Charlie even shifted the blame on me saying that I was the
one
trying to set him up by sending Josh over so I could catch them red
handed in an effort to prove whether he was really no longer interested in gay
sex
or not. I explained my innocence at this whole thing and truly believed
that
Josh had just tried to double cross me and had been caught red handed. I
decided I was never gonna have anything to do with Josh again.
It was months later that I realized my appearance at the pub that night
disturbed what had been a very well planned date.
The days that followed Josh never emailed and I completely lost contact
with
him. Charlie on the other hand had denied any further communication with
Josh and I believed that was the end of the story until I found out
later
that the two had become lovers and were doing everything possible to
keep
their affair hidden from me. In the mean time Charlie was a kind of
friend
that I could and did everything and anything for, and he kept reassuring
me
how much I meant to him also and how such people like Josh should never
be
allowed to interfere with our friendship.
When I found out despite the hurt I thought it was wise for me to let
him
know that who he's sleeping with aint my business but I thought in this
instance what he had done was betrayal but it was ok with me. I reminded
him
of how he particularly dissed Josh as some "Mother fucker" that he never
wants to have anything to do with. As with any accusation it was obvious
that it would be met with denial but I had irrefutable evidence.
Basically I
wanted him to know that I knew of his affair and how we moved on from
here
on was up to him. I extended an arm of friendship despite what had
happened.
I wanted him to know I still liked him a lot as my friend and found it
hard
to get annoyed with him. Charlie decided he didn't want to talk about
such
"trash" and that our friendship ends right there and then. For the
record he
felt he'd done nothing wrong to apologize for and that I was just over
reacting.
And so it was that I lost my best friend.
PART TWO In trying to understand what had just happened, I read widely
over
such matters. Spent many hours reminiscing about the good times we used
to
have together and how all that ended abruptly.
Such are things that guys go through all the time. They simply take
different forms but the effect is the same. People try to justify their
actions even when clearly wrong. In my situation I was ready to continue
the
friendship though I had admitted that I could no longer trust Charlie
whole
heartedly. I'd have rather we made up and then allow the friendship to
die
slowly so that my memory of him would not just be about the last stab in
the
back that I got from him. Instead he decided by all means to try and
find
fault in me and clearly there was no way that this friendship could
continue.
It hurts when a friend stabs you in the back. I accepted to move on but
of
course it wasn't so easy considering deep inside I liked Charlie and was
ready to forgive and forget.
This experience taught me a lot on trust and honesty. And this I try to
share with anyone who is thinking of dating his friends ex in a what I
call
"DATING YOUR FRIENDS EX" and part three of this article details what I
came
up with.
PART THREE DATING YOUR FRIENDS EX
When you hang out with a group of friends, the subject of friends dating
friend's dates is bound to come up. In some cases you even get to know
your
friends date better than he does himself. The secret of finding love and
keeping friendships is the wisdom to know the difference.
When considering to date your friends ex you need first to evaluate
whether
the relationship you are about to get into has any real potential and
whether it is worth breaking up the current friendship. You also need to
analyze what were the issues that led to their break up. If there was a
bitter end to their relationship then obviously your dating the ex makes
you
an enemy. If however the two just grew apart then maybe there could be
no
real issues to worry about and you could go ahead.
An important thing to consider especially when the friend in question is
someone you hang out with everyday such as your best pal is to let him
know
that there is something brewing between you and his ex. This will allow
your
friend first to look at you in high esteem and know that there was
absolutely no malice and that the whole thing is genuine and wasn't
meant to
hurt him. You may be surprised that he could even give you his blessings
and
probably a few tips.
Even if he says its okay, there is no denying that he could be harboring
hurt feelings inside, but the truth is that it won't hurt as much as it
would when you try to hide it and he finds out. The idea of divide and
rule
simply doesn't work and can only be viewed as betrayal. It may even make
you
appear to have been behind the break-up in the first place.
The bottom line is that never think you are too clever to get caught. So
avoid the situation by first evaluating what the friendship means to
both of
you. How emotional is your friend and how is he gonna take it? Are you
really so much in love with his ex or its just a fling? Remember little
things do have lasting effect on people's lives including your own and
can
be avoided. Besides you need to ask yourself if you were pressurized
into
the relationship what your friendship really means to you.
If you decided you'd rather end the friendship remember that you have
other
mutual friends who may get to know about this whole saga. What will be
their
impression of you? Would you blame anyone when one day you find you've
got
no friends at all? It is good to remind yourself that there's plenty of
fish
in the sea and it has to take something so special about your friends ex
to
sweep you off your feet so much that nothing else matters.
At the end of the day you can't have it both ways. You either gain a
lover
and lose a friend or you maintain your friend and go fishing elsewhere.
Report by Mateyo
Thoughts from a friend
A very interesting experience, and I can certainly relate to the pain of
feeling betrayed by someone you hold dear. So here are some other
thoughts
on that experience:
The underlying foundations that make all relationships work, sexual or
otherwise, are agreements, communication, integrity, and with mutual
respect
for each other and for yourselves. A lot of agreements in relationships
are
assumed - often one of the biggest problems - but if you have made an
agreement then if you find you can't stick to it, then you have to
communicate. If you don't have respect for each other then the whole
thing
is not really a relationship at all but the superficial appearance of
one.
In this case it appears that neither Charlie nor Josh had integrity, and
ultimately neither had respect for the author to behave with integrity
towards him. Essentially then, the author had a relationship with
Charlie
when Charlie was not what he seemed to be. From the author's side the
relationship that he thought was solid was based on flimsy foundations.
There's another thing going on though that gay men need to watch out
for,
especially in environments where we have had to hide our true nature:
For
many of us (actually, probably nearly all of us at some point), lying or
deceiving others has been at some point a matter of survival. Where
we've
been, what we've been doing, who we've met up with, how we feel about
certain things have all had to become things we habitually lie about
without
a moment's hesitation at times when asked questions in order to save our
skins. I know that some people will relate directly to the literal
meaning
of the word 'survival', yet it can affect the quality of life massively
even
for people who have not been living in an environment that threatens
death
too - job opportunities, the support of family and associates when
difficulties arise - all these can have a direct bearing on our quality
of
life if other people's perceptions of us threatens to change if they
were to
know who we really are.
The way this author relates his conversations with Charlie, Charlie
always
expresses his affection for men as if it is trivial, not important, a
bit
disgusting anyway, not 'really him', just something he has done on a few
occasions. Unfortunately another tendency is for gay men who grow up in
an
oppressive environment is to take on board the low self-esteem and
self-hatred that those we grow up with say 'people like that' should
have.
So if you don't respect yourself you are also not likely to respect
other
people to the same extent. Dismissal to people about your interest in
something that most people disapprove of is another way of minimising
the
apparent threat. If you dismiss something you've done as a 'mistake',
then
it is harder for others who are less tolerant of it to hold it against
you,
but it can also be a way of pretending to yourself that it isn't really
'you', which suggests that Charlie believes to some extent that gay
people
are less worthy than other humans.
You can see where people in general may have got the impression that gay
people are untrustworthy liars. But we can hardly be held responsible
when
routinely misrepresenting certain truths is a necessary skill for
survival
or even to ensure fair opportunities. It certainly doesn't mean that gay
people are inherently more likely to be liars in certain contexts due to
being gay, just that for structural reasons there may be more we hide
about
our lives for safety because of circumstances. What we have to be
careful
though is that we don't let a skill we may have become expert at for
survival spread into contexts where it is not appropriate. It sounds as
though Charlie and Josh have both failed to make that distinction.
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